My Big But

I am the Kim Kardashian of big buts. I’m smiling as I imagine furrowed brows and crinkled noses:

“She spelled ‘butt’ wrong.”

But, I spelled it correctly, and as if staring at a reflection of a big butt, my ‘but’ came into view while reading August McLaughlin’s blog post, “The Question Too Many Women Ask.”

Here’s what August said:

We want to be extraordinary and unique, but without ruffling anyone’s feathers; to feel beautiful just the way we are, but without others judging us harshly against their standards; to live full, authentic lives, but without letting others down by not living up to their expectations.

Two of those “buts” especially resonated with me:

1. I hate to ruffle feathers. (So I “suck it up” and ruffle my own internal feathers by holding back opinions, words, the “real me.”)
2. I don’t like to let others down by not living up to their expectations. (So I live somewhere I don’t want to live, end relationships someone doesn’t want me to have, stay home when I want to go somewhere, choose a profession because the one I want isn’t “worthy enough,” refrain from writing something because it might hurt someone’s feelings, change my plans because it doesn’t fit someone else’s schedule, and on and on and on.)

For awhile, this is all okay. I’m pretty easy to get along with, and I don’t have strong feelings about much of anything. But, there’s this little voice inside me–I call her “Jannie.” Like water, she trickles quietly, but like water, her persistence will wear down rocks in her way, carve canyons if necessary.

Maybe someday Jannie will speak up sooner and louder. Then, I won’t waste so much time living with this big but of mine.