Endings and Beginnings

I haven’t been sure how to approach this, and I’m still not sure. But it’s time.

And the only way to get it out is to do what I often talk to others about doing to “get unblocked”:

Free writing.

I need to quit worrying about the right or wrong way to say something, quit worrying about what everyone will think and just get it out. After all, there’s no “pretty” way to say it. And until I get it out, I’m blocked. I can’t write about anything else. Writers often write what’s in their hearts and minds, and right now, this is all there is.

Only a few people know that in the last month, Stephen and I separated. I’ve spent the last weeks moving from the farm and trying to get settled into an apartment.

Today, we are divorced.

I won’t say too much about it. The issues are between Stephen and me. But I will say how sad I am that we didn’t make it. I was sad today to see how quickly a marriage can be signed away. Sad to wonder why when it’s over, you only remember the happy times. Sad that I won’t see my dogs every morning when I wake.

dogs

I find it so curiously, amazingly strange that two life events, on such opposite ends of the spectrum happened within an hour of each other yesterday. First, I received a call my from attorney that the paperwork was ready to be signed and everything would be final. I shouldn’t have been surprised. He’d already told me the process. Still, it caught me off guard.

rkbooks

Less than an hour later, I received an email from the University of Arkansas Press that The Red Kimono had arrived at the dock. This is the book that I worked on through most of Stephen’s and my marriage. The book that I always dreamed of writing. And it arrived as my marriage ended.

I wondered why the timing happened this way. It really is almost unbelievable to me that two life events could intersect so closely to each other. Perhaps it’s a blessing in a way, for each event has tempered the other. It was certainly a blessing that the good news came after the bad.

Each has been a reminder that life is full of sorrows and joys, that once one chapter ends, another begins.

Arrival

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24 Responses to Endings and Beginnings

  1. I guess the book arriving is a gift into your new life. All the best to you.

  2. I do hope your writing life can help you recover from such a sad event in your personal life. I wish you all the best.

  3. This is a refreshing blog post. I like when you write free-style. ๐Ÿ™‚ I hear your heart coming through, and that is what I love most about you. My heart hurts with yours. You helped me through my divorce, and I can never thank you enough for it. You have no idea how some of the advice you gave still remains with me through life. Please reach out to me if I can offer you the same.

    I’m patiently waiting for my copy of The Red Kimono from Amazon. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. patlaster says:

    Many others have gone through divorces (two for me) and there IS a great quality and quantity (we hope) of good life out there. Thank goodness for your new book. It will help alleviate some pain. Stay strong. Don’t let guilt and shame and what-ifs grab you and shake you around like a rag doll. Take strength in yourself and in the love and admiration of your friends and acquaintances and writer colleagues.

  5. Linda Joyce says:

    Jan,

    I am so happy for the arrive of The Red Kimono. It is said that when one door closes, another opens. You just have to be willing to walk through.

    I wish you all the best.

    Warmest Regards,

    Linda Joyce

  6. Jan, I admire your grace. It is definitely good that you had joy to balance to your low point. I hope your joy continues to build so that it becomes what you feel most abundantly, even if it does result in a bit of imbalance ๐Ÿ˜‰

  7. Ruthie says:

    Yep, life is full of twists and turns. Your post comes from the heart and I feel your sadness, hurt, and joy through the words. Timing is everything and time does heal the heart. It’s the only thing what does. Congrats on your wonderful book! Love ya,

  8. Well, you know they say if you grieve, it was worth it. Be glad your time was well spent in spite of the sorrow that it ultimately didn’t work out. Life takes us places, and you’ve got new places to go. Glad the excitement of the book will help you get past this difficult time. Sending a virtual hug.

  9. Pam Mostek says:

    I simply want to say that my thoughts and prayers are with you through this difficult time, Jan. The sadness will pass, the smiles and joy return, and you will be all the wiser for both. Take really good care of you…you are deserving of nothing less.

    Pam

  10. Dear Jan,

    Do you know of the gift the Vizier gave the Sultan?

    I do not know you well enough to say much more than that I wish you peace.

    Congratulations on seeing your writing dream come to life. Must be thrilling.

    Be strong, Breathe deep. Exhale. Repeat.

    Aloha,

    Doug

  11. Linda Apple says:

    Perhaps the status of your relationship ended, but not the relationship. It just changed. And I think it will be more healthy now. Celebrate this milestone in your life with your new book. A beautiful life is ahead of you. Love you much!

  12. Pingback: Weight loss, Bigfoot and Creativity Coaches | Pamela Foster, Author and Speaker

  13. Jan Morrill says:

    Thank you all for your comments of support. It helps more than you know, having friends like you. ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. rgayer55 says:

    Right now, I have comment writers block. But I do want you to know that I have faith and confidence in you and wish you the best.

  15. Mendy Knott says:

    Hang in there and keep writing. It will stay when other things fade away. You are a terrific person and author!

  16. rgayer55 says:

    I am so sorry Jan, you are a terrific person, hang in there. Congratulations on your book. Connie

  17. Jack LaBloom says:

    Wishing you the best. Congratulations on your book release.

  18. nancyhartney says:

    There are many twists and turns as we navigate our way along. Wishing you success with your book – and the next one. May you find the best in your changed relationship and new status. Great cyberhugs to you.

  19. Bitter-sweet.
    Sorrow-joy.
    Beginning-ending.
    Balance everywhere. Love you.

  20. Can’t wait to share your book with my mom. I will devour it while riding the exercise bike, which is the only way I seem to find the time to read hard copy books anymore. Maybe I’ll be inspired to write something inspirational for my Grandma Masako’s 100th birthday party, which might spark a conversation between my uncles Isamu and Ken, my mom, and my grandma, who doesn’t particularly like to talk about certain things. Having started to read the Kindle version,on my laptop, I was captivated with your description of your journey of discovery in the Arkansas countryside, and am curious to see how you develop your characters. Sorry to hear of your personal struggles. Like your ancestors, and like the characters in a Faulkner novel, I’m sure that you will somehow endure. I admire your courage for sharing your personal pain.

  21. LeAynne says:

    Sorry to hear your news. But also envisioning a bright, and happy, future for you. Hugs………..

  22. Dad says:

    Dear Jan,
    So many nice comments. The pain will ease as time goes by and the joys will remain. You know that I know the feelings you are going through. Stephen will always be there in your mind, and the good times you had, and that is good. Focus on the positive.
    Love you, Dad

  23. Pingback: Rainbow Year | Jan Morrill Writes

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